Thinking

Today started the official packing up the baby stuff I have. I decided that there was real no reason to keep it around anymore, and waste very much needed storage space. A friend of mine is pregnant, and I'll be giving her as much of it as I can, since she wont know the gender until birth I'm trying to get the most of boy-girl stuff that I can find in all my bags.

I'm not going to lie it's kind of sad to be packing up all the little tiny newborn clothes. Brings me back to when my son was that small. Then I start thinking that I will probably never hold another baby that small that is my own.

I don't understand why I am having such a difficult time tonight. We have been distracted with getting ready for the upcoming rabbit show season that I have had very little time to think, but tonight bam the depression is back in full force.

I really should not complain, and I feel almost selfish doing it. I was able to bring one beautiful little boy in this world and others are not even able to have one.

I will say I do feel rather good that I am able to help a friend out. So at least I know I'm not completely selfish.

I think maybe I should really throw myself into excersising, and working on my weight loss goal. I'd like to be back at 140 which was my weight three years ago, but i would really like to be 130 if i could get to that. I think instead of concentrating on sad things, i should put myself first for once, and concentrate on my health/.

A ehh mommy (Jenna)

Another Hobby

So yes I'm bringing in another hobby, probably have to many right now but I needed another stress reliever and since show season for my rabbits has not started yet, I need something to do other then work, being a mother and a wife.

I used to scarp book all the time, picked it up my 8th grade year in school and loved it. I have tons of books of things I did, and I think it's a great way to look back on the past. I for some reason stopped about three years ago, and still had my box full of scarp booking supply's and un used books. Pulled that out and did a couple pages. I don't have as nearly as much as I used to, so I think when I get some extra cash I'll go to my local hobby lobby and purchase a ton of stuff.

So far I read, have rabbits, play sims, and scrap book for all my hobby's. Not to many I guess, but enough to keep me busy when I have some me time. Which with how much is going on in my life, I appreciate the hour I get for myself everyday.

Here are just a few pages i did, not great but a start. So out of practice, but I have a ton of pictures I have that i want to put together. I want to start one for my son, two years and on. Last time I actually put together a photo book for him was newborn to a year. He three now so I'm way behind.

With love

A busy body mother (jenna)

Happy 3rd Birthday Joshua

On Sunday was my sons 3rd birthday, we were not planning on a party. We ended up having a small get together  my sister came and brought her husband and nine month old. My parents came as well. Something small and cozy. My husband ended up making the cake, it turned out decent lol. He made the mistake of taking the dogs with him to his moms house, and when he came back he almost lost the cake. It was still yummy though.

We had a dinosaur theme. Joshua's current thing at the moment, got him balloons and small things. This was the first year he actually blew out the candles so that was very exciting to see him excited.

Meant to post this on Monday  but I ended up getting the stomach flu so have been in bed for last two days. Hate missing work, I'm not so behind in my paper works its not funny, plus it puts a lot of stress on my co-workers because they have to split my job between them which adds to their jobs. But they knew i was sick and that's why i love them we support each other!

Playing with his cousin

The cake, a bit messy but yummy.

Handing his uncle the candles

Anywho I decided to write a little letter to my son, he wont understand it now but one day when he's older he will.


Dear Joshua,

Look at the time, your finally three. It amazes me how big you have gotten, and how fast you have grown. Your such a ham, and have shown me the true meaning of love an patience. Everything about you makes me smile. Before I know it you will be of to school soon, marking the path to your future success. I know you will make me proud, and no matter what you decide or what life decisions you make, i'll be proud of you.

You will always be my baby boy, and there will always be a place for you close inside my heart. I love you Joshua Michael, you are my sunshine, and everything i do in life is for you.

love you mommy

Every year I hope to add to his memory box, with letters from each birthday so that when he's ready he can have them and read them.

with love

a proud momma (jenna)

Infertility saddness

The only time I ever feel sad about the fact we probably will never have another child is at night when I surf the parenting forum I am a part of. Or if chance a friend or someone I know just had a baby or announced they are pregnant. Most of the time if it's their first i shrug it of. But when it's their second, or third ect, I get a bit depressed. Then start asking, " well why can't we be blessed with another? " I try not to question my lords reasoning behind it, but sometimes its hard not to. I do not have any anger towards those with many children  no I believe they are blessed.I guess maybe jealousy is the word I would like to use.

I know that if it's meant to be it will happen, and my own OBGYN believes that if we had one he dose not see why we cannot have another. We are really at a dead end right now because due to my husbands cultural beliefs we cannot go forth with much testing or intervention. I respect that of him, and have not asked again.We are thinking of trying natural herbs though, some things maybe his people would have tried or still do try.

Some of me has given up hope, another part of me has not. I know at this point if it happens ill be happy, if not i wont let myself get upset about it anymore. I have told my self no more testing every month just for the hope ill see two pink lines. It's a waste of money, and kills me every time.

I'm more then happy with my son, although a hand ful, hes my baby and keeps my heart whole. I consider myself lucky to even have had him.

with love

a sad momma

Yay Husband starts his new job next month

I have to say, I am super excited for my husband to go back to work. It was nice for him to stay home with our son, I think Joshua needed that but to have two incomes coming into the household again, oh my goodness yes please! I must admit I am proud of myself, I have worked my butt of to provide for this family working 40+ hours a week, keeping the house in order, and still finding time for my baby boy's, makes me feel like a powerful women.

Most of our bills have been paid, I'm a bit behind on a few but I'll soon be able to catch up. But our rent is always paid on time, actually early every month. Soon I hope to be able to actually save, I'd really like to buy a house in a few years. We have a five year plan in set, so it's a bit ways out before we even plan to own. I'm content with renting for the moment, its not so bad especially with my current landlord, hes really great.

Josh has a Doctor appointment coming up for his three year wellness check up. We have plenty to talk about, and I hope to get some answers for his angry issues. i just cannot fathom why a almost three year old is so angry, and i mean his mood just changes so fast. Happy, excited and hyper one min, then bam, he's angry, hitting himself, ect.

I have learned some new parenting techniques, so we are going to try that. Routine, Routine, Routine. Ugh which is so hard because we have no routine, but we have to do this.

Most likley we will begin this starting next month when my husband starts his new job so that it will be easier on our son. hopefully he will adjust and play along and maybe even help him in the process. We are also looking into speech therapy, I did this as a kid and i think it did wonders.

Anywho off to finish doing laundry and dinner.

with love

a much more relaxed momma (jenna)

My first post

So I have finally decided to start this blog, I have another for my rabbitry and had gone back and forth with wanting to start another for me to just ramble. So after many starts here I am publishing my first post.

To start I want to share my frustration.

I have an almost three year old son, he will be exactly three on the 27th of this month. He's over all a good child except he had intense and sometimes drastic mood swings and tantrums. I want to say this started about the middle of his twos. Yes terrible two's don't even cover to explain him. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm at my wits end, because I would love to take him places with me and I cannot. It just takes one little thing to set him of, and he's screaming, throwing himself to the ground, sometimes hurting himself. I feel so embarrassed by the looks I get from people.

You see I'm considered a young mom, I will be 23 in march. Labels, looks and comment usually don't bug me. But occasionally I'll get snide comments about how horrible that young mom is she can's even control her  child.

It is not that I don't try, I do. We do time out, I try to redirect his angry, yes i will admit I have spanked before. I have tried reasoning with him. I am just so tired I could cry...

He has now regressed to the point where I cannot get him to sleep in his own bed. So the result he is in my bed leaving my husband to sleep on the couch. Well that's not helpful to our marriage at all especially since we were trying to have more children which in itself has been a headache. We found out my husband has fertility problems so my stress level is through the roof, which dose not help with my patience level,

I wish there was an easy answer to all this, but I know there is not. I need to work hard on my parenting skills. I love my son and want the best for him. I want to take him places, explore new things. It's just so hard when litterly every time we go out its a fight.

Putting clothes on him, diapering, bed time, eating its all a fight day in and day out. He spends more time in time out then anything. And not to mention it takes me 20 mins or more to even get him into time out.

I know parenting is hard work, and I'm committed to my son.

Plus he is speech delayed so that dose not help. We have a three year well visit on the 30th, i hope to bring up many issues with her, and see what her advice is. We are looking into autism since some things he dose, are signs of autism. But this may just be a phase that I cannot wait to get past.

If anyone reads this, non judgmental advice is always appreciated.

With love

A frustrated mom. (jenna)